


Gone Fission

by revenblue



Series: [collection] but you keep spinning 'round me just the same (Perryshmirtz) [45]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Gen, Heinz is a creeper raised by ocelots, POV Third Person Omniscient, no character death (not even mobs)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-18
Updated: 2018-10-18
Packaged: 2019-08-03 18:54:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16331636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/revenblue/pseuds/revenblue
Summary: The fate of all creepers is to explode.(Alternatively: Perry tames an ocelot.)





	Gone Fission

**Author's Note:**

> Perryshmirtz Week day 4: AU/ ~~second dimension~~  
>  (Didn't actually start this for the Week but it was a great excuse to finish it. XD)
> 
> Also: 100th posted fic w00t :D

This is the story of a creeper, let's call him... Heinz.

Now, Heinz was a particularly lonely creeper. Not least because he couldn't explode properly, although that certainly contributed. No, the main reason Heinz was lonely was because he'd been raised by ocelots. And ocelots, as everyone knows, are a creeper's mortal enemy. (Don't ask how Heinz found the ocelots, it's a long and mostly irrelevant tale.) The other creepers could sense this and instinctively stayed away from him. Hence, lonely creeper.

So there he was, Creeper Heinz, shuffling dejectedly through the forest. Every now and then he attempted to explode and fulfil his Purpose, only to fizzle out each time.

Then he saw a house.

The thing about houses is, they're always a sign of civilisation. And it was a creeper's _mission_ to destroy civilisation, one house at a time. And Creeper Heinz, despite everything, was still a creeper.

"Maybe they'll like me if I do _this_ ," Creeper Heinz said to himself, although it came out as "HisssssSSSSSSsssssss" because that's all creepers can say.

Feeling immediately emboldened at even a slight possibility of success, he skipped over to the side of the log house, priming his internal explosives. He was doing it, he was going to explode, he was going to-

Get punched out by a shortass in teal.

When he came to, which barely took a second, the teal shortass in question was holding a fish. So, like any good ocelot, he pounced, snatching it out of the shortass's outstretched hand. It was the work of moments to then eat the fish and cuddle up to the shortass's legs, purring.

"HiSSSSSsssssssssssssSSSSSSSSS," Creeper Heinz said, this time meaning "I'll call you 'Steven', you look like a Steven. Steven the Shortypus."

Alas, the shortass (whose name was actually Perry) couldn't understand the word he said. This, of course, was because Steve?s are not, in fact, creepers. Nor are they ocelots. Thus, they can't understand either language. And Perry, as it turns out, is a Steve?.

Nevertheless, Perry could recognise utter adoration when he saw it, so he scritched at Creeper Heinz's head. This, naturally, cemented the bond he'd formed with Creeper Heinz, earning his undying loyalty.

Alas, night was coming, and with it other creepers who would have no compunction against blowing up Perry's hard-won house in the forest. To be more specific, the house was at the edge of the forest, next to a small village Perry had claimed as his own to protect. This protection mostly involved patrols at dusk to check torches, patrols at dawn to fight off any stray undead who'd risen during the night, and keeping watch over the children throughout the day as they played; tasks he'd taken on willingly.

Perry glanced up at the darkening sky, brows furrowing, then ushered Creeper Heinz into the house where it was safe and well-lit. He didn't want his new friend to get hurt while he was on patrol, after all. The risk was too high.

It wasn't until the door had closed behind Creeper Heinz that he realised Perry wasn't following, and he hissed dejectedly. Somehow he was lonelier now that Perry had left him than he'd ever been around his own kind. This was, he suspected, because he'd now had a taste of what it was like to _not_ be lonely, and thus felt the solitude more keenly in comparison. In an attempt to distract himself, Creeper Heinz turned to examine the room.

Perry, as it turned out, lived simply. The inside of the house was open and spacious, with a stunning lack of furniture aside from the neatly-placed storage chests lining the edges of the sole room and an orange bed off in the corner. The pale bark of the walls glowed in the flickering torchlight, while the ceiling stretched high above.

The only sign of personality was the picture hanging on one wall, displaying a smiling family. Creeper Heinz didn't know it, but this family was the reason Perry had set out to protect this small village.

Were he to be asked about this family and this photo, Perry would exhale softly, staring into the distance. Alas, the resulting flashback would not be visible to the asker, only to Perry and whatever narrative voice was opining about events.

It had all started with a village. Not this village, a different village. One where he'd been an outcast, not quite shunned but not quite welcomed either, right up until some travellers had taken a shine to him...

...But that's another long and mostly irrelevant tale, so let's not.

Perry's patrol was quick, as the torches surrounding the village left it visibly lit, and he let himself back into the house before too much time had passed. Unused to having guests, he did so _silently_ , forgetting that Creeper Heinz wasn't used to his stealthy ways.

As a result, Creeper Heinz wasn't aware of Perry walking up next to him to stare at the same photos, losing himself in the inevitable flashback. Not until he himself turned to find the large (albeit short) shape right next to him.

Jumping back with an alarmed hiss, Creeper Heinz primed his explosives-

Only to fizzle out yet again upon recognising the only friendly face he'd encountered in a very long time. He couldn't hurt Perry (his _friend_ ) like that. That wasn't what friends _did_. At least, that was the assumption he came to, having never had a friend before.

Friendship wasn't exactly encouraged amongst creepers. Or ocelots, for that matter. So, Creeper Heinz, being both? He had no chance at all.

And yet he was enough of an outcast from both to try it.

"HiSSSSSSsssss," he said, which translated to, approximately, "You startled me, Steven the Shortypus! Where did you go, anyway? It's so _lonely_ in here without you, so _big_ and _empty_ , and I was getting a little worried- not, you know, _really_ worried, but enough to _call_ it that. And I didn't know when you'd be back or _anything_ , you should tell me these things."

Perry, on his part, looked suitably apologetic. After all, he hadn't meant to scare his new (for lack of a better term) "pet". Whether or not the term applied, he was uncertain, as Creeper Heinz had _technically_ tamed himself, and yet. Reaching out, he patted Creeper Heinz's head, the way he would any other tamed ocelot. What else _could_ he do? It had been _his_ fish that had done the taming, whether or not he'd intended it, so _he_ was responsible for Creeper Heinz.

To his surprise, Creeper Heinz leaned into his hand and purred, eyes half-closing, the very picture of feline contentedness. A feat for a spawned ocelot, a miracle for one such as Creeper Heinz.

One yawn later and Perry excused himself to bed. It had been a long day, after all, and full of excitement. It wasn't every day he met a friendly creeper. The last thing he knew before sleep claimed him was Creeper Heinz settling in atop his legs.

In the morning, Perry woke to find a new creeper lurking by the door. Not Creeper Heinz. This was, obviously, a problem, so he grabbed his sword from a nearby chest, glaring at the door like if he _could_ swear he _would_. Alas, he had no natural voice with which to curse.

Belatedly, he remembered his guest, and turned to Creeper Heinz. Gesturing at the door, he pulled a series of faces that conveyed how much he did _not_ wish to hurt Creeper Heinz's family, were they to exist.

Creeper Heinz completely ignored him.

More specifically, Creeper Heinz walked right past him and out through the door, hissing in greeting. The other creeper took one look at him and left.

Perry, following behind him, lowered his sword. And, when Creeper Heinz turned to him, heart newly rebroken, Perry fed him another fish and patted his head gently.

And so, that became life for the both of them. Perry was rarely seen without Creeper Heinz beside him, a trusty companion and reliable friend. As for Creeper Heinz, he enjoyed, for the first time in his life, a community that didn't shun him for his very self.

Even Creeper Heinz's tendency of coughing up gunpowder on Perry's bed on a semi-regular basis, hacking and wheezing and hissing, couldn't dent Perry's fondness for him.

Which leads us to now.

Perry places down a block of TNT, one he'd crafted out of Creeper Heinz's, well, leavings, and retreats to a safe distance.

Beside him, Creeper Heinz shuffles his feet excitedly. "HiSsSsSsSsSsSsS," he says, which of course means "I'm so excited, Steven the Shortypus, are you excited? Because I am, I'm _exploding_ with excitement, and by 'exploding' I mean you're letting me make this TNT explode, I'm not _literally_ exploding, that would be bad. Anywho..." and so on. The details don't matter, just that Creeper Heinz is, rightfully, excited. He'd spent so long wanting to explode, to fulfil his Purpose, and now he _can_. Not only that, but he can do it again and again.

With a nod from Perry, Creeper Heinz walks up to the TNT, nudging it with a foot to prime it, then skips back to Perry's side. From there they watch the TNT glow, together, Perry absentmindedly patting Creeper Heinz's head in the way they'd already become so intimately familiar with.

_fizzle... fizzle... BOOM!_

Thus ends the story of Creeper Heinz, the ocelot.

**Author's Note:**

> Title, and in fact the whole inspiration for this fic, comes from [Dan Bull's Creeper Rap](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8hyk6yxSK_w) (which isn't called that but it's easier than counting the number of "Boom"s in the title). I mean, how could I not write a crossover when Minecraft specifically has ocelots? :P


End file.
